Hellish Years: Five Years Later

It has been five years. Five. Half a decade since my husband told me in one breath he was having an affair and didn’t know if he wanted to be married anymore. (Turns out he did want to be married, just not to me. But whatever. Why split hairs at this late date?) Five yearsContinue reading “Hellish Years: Five Years Later”

General Trauma and Get Over Yourself Books: An Annotated Biographical Bibliography

[I started writing this months ago- crap. Just clicked the link- November] I was listening to CBC this morning. The Sunday Edition was airing the second part of an episode on the hundredth anniversary of the Russian Revolution. Michael Enright was talking to Russian-American journalist Masha Gessen about her new book and the lasting effectsContinue reading “General Trauma and Get Over Yourself Books: An Annotated Biographical Bibliography”

SEX:An Annotated Biographical Bibliography

This might come as a shocker, but this post was very hard for me to write. I spent most of my life not even talking about sex, let alone writing about it publicly. So why? Why put myself out there like this? Why admit to all of these wrong-headed notions I lived with since puberty?Continue reading “SEX:An Annotated Biographical Bibliography”

Hell Years: Introduction to an Annotated Bibliography

Reading. Reading is my comfort, my addiction, my solace. For most of my life I have been able to get lost in a book. Get lost in a book. I never really thought about that phrase before, what it means. But I think it is apt, in the sense that I used to read toContinue reading “Hell Years: Introduction to an Annotated Bibliography”

Making Friends with the Anvil: On Bearing Witness

I went to see Monumental by Holy Body Tattoo and Godspeed, You Black Emperor a couple of weeks ago. It was unbearable. Unbearable in the way Art with a capital A should be: a gut-wrenching reminder of the joy and suffering, the struggle and the weariness, the futile resistance and the final giving up, theContinue reading “Making Friends with the Anvil: On Bearing Witness”

A Hellish Year, Part 4: On Unsustainable Patterns

For many years I had a post-it note above my desk with the words TRY HARDER on it. The letters were in all caps, scratched angrily into its small yellow square. TRY HARDER. TRY HARDER. TRY HARDER. If I didn’t find the time to write during the day: TRY HARDER. If I felt too tired to make aContinue reading “A Hellish Year, Part 4: On Unsustainable Patterns”

A Hellish Year, Part 3: On the Stories We Tell Ourselves

I met a man once who left his wife a few years before I knew him. Now despite being just as broken by his actions as I suspect his poor wife was, he was still searching for answers for why he did what he did. But instead of simply accepting that he made a mistake, thatContinue reading “A Hellish Year, Part 3: On the Stories We Tell Ourselves”

A Hellish Year, Part 2: On Reflections and Not Existing

The most castrating thing  J said to me this last year was, “Lina, you’re a wonderful woman.” Oh, there were things, small cruelties that might on the surface seem worse, especially as most of them were untrue. But the, “Lina , you’re a wonderful woman” comment stung the most. Why, you may ask? That seems likeContinue reading “A Hellish Year, Part 2: On Reflections and Not Existing”

A Hellish Year, Part 1: Shame

This year has been the year of the violent metaphor. When J first announced to me that he “wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore” (yes, that is the way he put it), it was a bomb exploding on my lap. No. He was the bomb and I was caught in his blast radius. I haveContinue reading “A Hellish Year, Part 1: Shame”