Oh, If I had a Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle

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I need a taser. I have been thinking about this for a long time, like almost a week now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that people would be more apt to come around to my point of view (a.k.a the right point of view) if I was able to shoot a jolt of electric current through their bodies. I am sure while they are immobilized on the ground, they would have the time to see that I was right and they were wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Who would I taser? Well, I’m glad you asked. However, the more appropriate question is, what wouldn’t I taser? Let me take you through a typical day for me and all the taser opportunities it presents.

5:00 am- so far so good. Okay, that’s because I’m the only one up. I could taser myself for not preparing the coffee the night before but that would be unproductive.

6:00 am- TASER OPPORTUNITY #1: Everyday I go for a run and everyday I have to go through the most disgusting underpass ever known to civilized people. Pigeons live in this underpass you see, and pigeons, they are not the smartest of birds. So in addition to the pigeon poop, the closed quarters, the rising pigeon population (despite the frequency of dead pigeons lying in a pool of their own blood in the middle of the sidewalk) someone, an old man I think because I witnessed his crime through a car window one day, likes to scatter bread crumbs INSIDE the underpass. Which means that if you want to get to the other side you have to go through a narrow tunnel crowded by germ-infested birds who don’t want to leave the lovely continental breakfast provided by their benefactor. If I ever catch that old man, his ass is so tasered. I don’t care if he is old and decrepit. I’m no age-ist. And in the mean time, I would settle with tasering all the f&*(&^$%ing pigeons.

7:15 am- TASER OPPORTUNITY #2: Drive to work. Now, it is becoming very clear to me why I don’t drive. Driving fills me with unaccountable rage, even just as a passenger. The other day, I actually yelled out two separate people, and I wasn’t even driving. I might need a bullet list for this one.

  • People that waste the advanced left turn for everyone because they are too stupid to check what lane they’re in. TASER!
  • People who double park on a two lane street when they could just pull in a little. Knock on the window, “Hi, I’m going to taser you now.”
  • People who don’t know how to use their turn signals. Consider yourself tasered.
  • SUV driving, cell phone talking, people with a false sense of entitlement who move into the middle of the intersection and then get mad when the light turns red and they are blocking up the works. So friggin’ tasered.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

7:30-4:00- TASER OPPORTUNITY #3: Work. I won’t say much here, ’cause I might get into trouble, but once again I think a bulleted list would be appropriate.

  • Students who leave their used kleenex on the table. Seriously? Do they all have maids? TASER.
  • Students who take books without signing them out. FYI: That’s called stealing. If I catch you, I will taser you.
  • In general, not respecting the space- using the library as a recycling bin, leaving books on the floor, etc. Je vous tase.

4:00-5:00- TASER OPPORTUNITY #4: Public transport. Ahh so many opportunities. Let’s have another list!

  • Boys and men who are under the illusion that their penis and testicles are so large they need to take up two seats. You know those guys? The ones who have to have their legs spread so wide there is no room for anyone else? Guess where I am tasering you, buddy.
  • People who don’t move to the back of the bus. Taser, taser, taser.
  • People who don’t take of their large packsacks so that everytime they shift you’re hit in the face. Taséed!
  • Rude little girls who think their bags need a seat and not the old lady swaying dangerously in the aisle. Taserissimo.
  • People with their feet on the seats who refuse to move them even when you sit down. I taser you.
  • Finally, the people on the metro who stand right in front of the door blocking the way for the people who are trying to get out. YOU ARE ALL TASERED.

Now I’m home. And I think my taser will need to be recharged so that I can start again tomorrow. So little time, so many people to immobilise with electric currents…

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One Response to Oh, If I had a Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle

  1. Pamplemousse says:

    I'm sad to report that idiots on public transit exist out in Vancouver too. Perhaps because relatively few took the bus in edmonton, I thought standing at the door, always picking the inside seat leaving the window seat empty or for holding a backpack, and boys/men with apparently improbably large genitals… was a Montréal thing. It is not.

    The angry driving does seem to be more prevalent in french land though. People here don't seem to drive angry, just stupid. Despite a new law banning cell phone use while driving… well, that only had about a 3 day impact, if at all.

    Tasers are not a popular topic around Vancouver town though.

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