My father-in-law is a wise man. During the years that I have known him, he has said many things that I take as words to live by. He phoned last night to ask how the interview went, and we talked a little about my fears of whether I do or do not get the job. He reminded me that if I stay focussed and just do what I want to do, things will work out. And I know it has worked out for him- he has been able to keep painting for a good sixty years now without any break. Of course, he worked part-time as an art teacher and has a prettty awesome wife who knew exactly what she was getting into when she married him, but I think, in general that he is right.
And that is what I am missing. You see, I am lacking faith that it will all work out. All I know is the conventional way of making a living: you know, going to school for the right certificate, applying for a job, getting the job, waiting for the twice monthly paycheck. I am petrified at the idea of fishing for work. First of all, it might involve talking to strangers. I am not even that good at talking to the people I know. Second of all, my family might starve.
So here I am, contemplating a total of three hours commute, something I vowed never to do. Now, this got me to thinking. If the word ‘never’ is so malleable, so inconstant, so flexible- what else could I contemplate that I vowed I would never do? I could run with sticks in my mouth. I could do one of those polar bear swims, or jump out of a non burning plane just for fun. I could start writing stream of consciousness beat poetry. Or, heaven forbid, I could take the leap, quit my job and focus on what I really want to do- just write. Naaaah. That’s crazy talk….