Parental Advisory

I watched the movie Stardust with the kids the other day and was confronted with this Parental Advisory note at the beginning:

Rated PG-13 for some fantasy violence and risque humor.

Hmmm. Fantasy violence? Risque humor? After I stopped laughing and spluttering my herbal tea everywhere, I asked myself the only sane question a person could ask: who the hell are these people?I looked in the FAQ section of the MPAA but, oddly enough, they didn’t list my question.

My worry is, you see, that if children need parental guidance to watch fantasy violence and risque humour, then my children will probably need parental guidance to hang out with me. Because I am full of fantasy violence. Here is a sample:

Apologize or I will tickle you to death..
Put that hat on before I make you eat it (which wouldn’t actually make much difference as they seem to have a great liking for the taste of neck warmers)
And the perennial… You better watch out ’cause I am going to get you!
Not to mention that my child feels that she is a karate expert because of all our fantasy fights…

And risque humour. I assume they are speaking of the cross dressing air pirate played by Robert Deniro. Well, exsqueeze me, but my children didn’t even bat an eyelid. In fact, they won’t think it is abnormal unless you act like its abnormal. In their heads, it is perfectly reasonable to dress-up in pretty dresses, whether you are an air pirate or a six year old girl. And far be it for me to disillusion them from the notion.

So Motion Picture Association of America, I scorn you! Actually, no. Keep on issuing such ridiculous advisories- I think I will make up a collection of them. You know, for the sake of chronicling the perplexing and contradictory puritanism of American society.