Quotes of the day (2)

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. – Augusten Burroughs
I am like an haute couture dress- the flaws are the revealing gaps and the obvious stitching is the good intentions…

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. – Miss Piggy
I love Miss Piggy! Except for when she gets all lovey dovey with Kermit or sings those horrible love songs.. or sings.

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise. – Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
I thought I understood this one but I really don’t. I think it must be just too sophisticated a sentiment for my plebeian brain. Sounds good though… very Evelyn Waugh.

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children. – King Edward VIII
OOh. Now this one hurts. Partial truths can be as painful as whole truths it seems (meaning that the times I don’t obey my children are sadly overshadowed by the times I do..)

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. – Robert McCloskey Just once. Just once I would love to be able to throw out a statement like this. You know, just backhand that baby right back at the smug bastard I am talking to. I can just see the confusion as the brain tries to process this in time for a witty retort..

Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment. – R. Buckminster Fuller
Little ants in an ant farm, or rats in a maze or monkeys in a cage being injected with rage. No wait. That last one was that scary movie…

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. – Paul Harvey
To an extent. And then the depression of realizing that humanity is hardly progressing sinks in and you decide to take a leaky canoe and an airtight bottle of vodka over Niagara.

You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light. – Vicomte de Chateaubriand
Damn.

Communism is like one big phone company. – Lenny Bruce
Whoah Mr. Bruce! Back up! Say what? What the hell? How exactly is communism like one big phone company? Witness the big flaw in the quotes of the day- there is no context! Oh shit. I just got it. Bureaucracy! They are both bureaucratic nightmares! Geez, I just learned something folks… Epiphanies in real time.

No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. – WH Auden
Why is that? Why don’t we sing when we are sensible? Huh, why?

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it’s wrong. – Mo Udall
This kind of thinking throws the whole idea of democracy out of whack. Maybe the system should be that whoever gets the most votes doesn’t get into office. That would have been a solution to the whole US presidential crisis as well as our own little conservative snafoo..

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. – Oscar Wilde
I wonder how it would have felt like being Oscar Wilde? I mean, knowing that I was so beyond anybody else’s state of wittiness must of been quite a burden. I don’t think he was persecuted because he was gay. I am beginning to suspect it was because of the envy his overreaching English, elitist verbal parrying caused.

Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. – Marilyn Manson
And then there was Marilyn. One of the most sensible people disguised as a goth rock star. Despite the horrendous make-up, I think Oscar and he would have enjoyed a good pint together.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas A. Edison
Yeah! ‘Cause it’s all in the way you look at it…

Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish. – Albert Einstein
Yeah. Whatever. The guy whacks the world on the head with the idea of a random universe, and then has to bring up God.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
– George Bernard Shaw
This makes me feel better, especially at this very moment when my bathroom floor is non existent. At least I’m not happy….

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
– Barry LePatner
Trial and error, etc, etc. Like buying a house when the listing says “needs some love.”

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony.
– Robert Benchley
Last night I went to see Harry Potter with a gaggle of grown-ups and right in the middle of climactic moment, when Harry and Voldemort face off, a few drunk, disruptive teenagers erupted into the cinema and started yelling and banging things. KILL, KILL, KILL! To quote Miss Hannigan.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.
– Paula Poundstone
Just ’cause its funny.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
– Scott Adams
So does he work in mysterious ways? Hmmm. I leave you to ponder…

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it’s against the law.
– Alex Levin
Again, just ’cause its funny.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
– Shirley Temple
Oh, poor little famous girl, having her childhood be dessiminated by fame and wealth and public adulation.

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
– David Richerby
Man, that is why you shouldn’t think about these things too much.